Take time to remember

Growth is a funny thing. Sometimes, it sneaks up on you and other times it feels like nothing is ever going to happen. Today, as I was chopping wood I had many a flash back. Times in the past where chopping wood has been very important for my anger release treatment plan. Or the first time I learned how to chop wood. Chopping wood is a metaphor between me and my dad for doing the hard daily grind. It's from a book I believe, Chop Wood, Carry Water by Joshua Medcalf. 

I am going to actually read the book now that I am discussing it because it seems apropos for where I am currently in life. Funny how that happens! This blog start was written a long time ago. I am jumping in on it today after over 10+ years. 

I think it's informative to know that I haven't blogged in that long. But I thoroughly enjoied it back then and believe I will again. 

Here's to a form of chopping wood. Pouring out my thoughts and experiences over blogger. Welcome back readers (lol) and Kristen the writer.  

Oh and BTW I am only doing hair part time at this time

 

honesty

honesty.
can a writer be honest on her blog easier than in real life? Can i say the things here that I just wouldn't to a group of friends, even my closest in a public setting. Sometimes, that answer is yes. I guess I come from a family that did a lot of hiding. One that just didn't talk about the pink and purple and neon green elephants that constantly shared our space with us. It's the old 1950's slogan, that if you just don't talk about it, it's not really there. Or something like that. However, we live in an age where people are starting to, if not yelling about, family issues and truth. Often, in a very satirical way. I remember in my home it began with the Simpson's and this silly show called "The Dinosaur's". Since then we have seen many more develop. Family Guy, King of the Hill, Tosh 2.0, South Park, etc. etc. etc. And the list goes on and on and on.
My dad HATED these shows.
"They show the breakdown of the American family." This coming from a man who was at the time fooling around behind my mom's back. Isn't it ironic? Don't you think?
However, I took his point of view seriously until I began to watch these shows from an open minded perspective.  Humor. A late bloomer to the satire age, I found myself enjoying these shows immensely because they spoke of the truth of life that no one was willing to speak of. The hush hush conversations.
So, fast forward to now. A time when we don't really hold the hush hush at bay, but rather display it in front of any audience that will listen. I'm not sure we have reached the pendulum swing I was once looking for, because by this new and what seems to be brave world, I am blushed. I was raised by a three generational husher of a mom. Blushing is part of the hush world, BTW.
How can one say out loud with boldness, humility and heart...LISTEN, I'm in pain and I need help? Or I need to be heard? Or can I have a hug? WITHOUT being needy or scared of ridicule and embarrassment?

Cooking and attempting new things

My therapist and I talk often at how becoming an adult takes a long time. That it's not so much about arriving, but the effort along the way. The moments where you conquer fear and choose life instead of hiding.
If I were to put it into words, I would say it is defined more by this quote than by age.
"It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are." e.e. cummings
It also reminds me of cooking and the attempt to cook something new.

You may have had amazing apple pie your entire life. Grandma may have had one cooling on the windowsill when you came over every sunday or at Thanksgiving, when your special aunt brings her's by. Or, what about that local shop on the corner that serves it a la mode? In Wisconsin, they serve theirs with Sharp Cheddar Cheese on top.
Growing up in my house, my Uncle Jim used to come out to visit from California and every time he'd swing through this spot in southeastern Wisconsin and bring us up an Apple Pie in a bag! I am telling you, I am not sure I've ever tasted better?! That's my childhood memory at least.

So today, I decided to make my first apple pie. I've been cooking a lot lately and trying new things.  Stretching my culinary muscles has been scary. I was nervous as heck today because it was not only my first pie, but it was for Wesley @ Napa. He was SO kind putting in my tail light when it's not his job at all the other day and I wanted to bring him a gift.  As I read through the reciepe, my fears grew.  What if the apples aren't really sweet enough?  What if your gift isn't delicious? What if? As silly and perhaps humorous as it all may sound, I realized in that moment that the same types of questions running through my mind were exactly like all of the insecurities and some old tapes that play on my self worth and becoming an adult. Kristen, your worth is not in an apple pie.  So peel those apples woman!!!

I know lately as I have been feeling like I have conquered another step towards adulthood and growing up, I am often almost set back by my fear. The fear that I haven't really moved forward because I have jumped backwards into a child like state for a time being. Whether it's one minute baking an apple pie, an entire afternoon or even weeks at a time. I am reminded that "Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. -- Ambrose Redmoon

Peel those apples Kristen. Take the next first step in your journey. A gift, is about the thought, not the gift. Apples, sugar, butter and flour? How can you go wrong?! But, more importantly and much more honest, the step of courage to go there, do that, is not easy. Growing up takes time!

Recipe I used!  Except that I made my own applesauce from a drained jar of canned pears, a two apples in a blender with a tsp. of agave nectar for sweetness.

4 goals for the end of the year

My super friend Natalie from the awesome workplace of Floyd's 99 Barbershop, challenged me to blog about 4 goals for the end of the year. I am amazed looking back over the last couple of years how true it is that when you write down a goal and look at it daily, you will often, more than not, achieve it. So, here goes. I will cover some past ones as well at the bottom because it's good to celebrate. I was going to choose to write these in SMART form, but the rules are not such this time that I need to, so yay..here's to goal setting and achieving for the soul.

1). Create daily. Whether this is painting, journaling, sculpting, wood work, planting bulbs, etc. 

REWARD: Jan 1. buy new paints!!!

2). Go on a walk or run with the "poopy" daily. 

REWARD: a gold star on the calendar  

3). Blog once a week until Christmas from things I am writing. 

REWARD: Publish your old blogs. 

4).  Juice every morning! I have been meaning to get back into doing this because it makes me feel SO good and it makes my nails and hair healthy and my body shrink. 

REWARD: My body shrinking, my nails and hair growing and my soul feeling OH soooooo Good! 

What are you goals going to be? 

What a summer 2010 was for me. I believe 2008-2010 to be my strongest years yet at least regarding goal achievement. I really do want my life to be like that. So, the practice needs to become a discipline. Again, thankful to Natalie and opportunities. 

Summer 2010 goals

to keep on keeping on...

take care.
that's todays post.
to keep on keeping on a path that doesn't seem to be going anywhere some days, one has to STOP and take care of what needs to be taken care of. The basics.
In growing ones hair out that means...using a good shampoo and conditioner. Getting a deep conditioning treatment. Coloring ones roots.
I did all three this last 2 weeks. I went to the beauty supply chain and bought great shampoo and conditioner. I colored my very bleached out blond craziness to a beautiful red brown. I got an Awapuhi treatment done and will continue to maintain it with the new shampoo and conditioner.
It truly is amazing what these little steps can do for your hair.

For the soul, the body, the mind we must do these things as well. To grow we cannot remain static, but there are times where we must take a time out to do soul care. A mental health day.
Pamper your soul.
WHAT DOES THIS MEAN KRISTEN?
Well, it means figure out what that means to you.
For me, I find myself nurtured in nature. Sunshine. Water. Seasons changing.
I know that a good cry can cleanse my soul opening it up to health and growth and change.
Positive reinforcement: A great deep conditioning treatment. Finding a new quote to help you nourish your soul, your mind, your heart.
Find a new hobby. Painting often does this for me. Or card making. Because I'm giving in the midst.
Find a place to give of yourself. I'm going to start volunteering at a local women's shelter. Offering pedis or foot rubs or a spa day or hair cuts. I can't wait!
So, friends, fans, family...keep on keeping on. Take care of your hair! Take care of your soul. Growth is right around the corner. It always is!!!

along comes a little joy.

I don't know if I told you that I cut my hair while I was in Chicago for the Haas/Panzar wedding! 

Ok, so don't anyone that's reading this freak out. For if you stay with me for as long as it's going to take to grow this beast of a head of hair out, bless you...because along the way, it's going to have to get cut and sometimes like in life, that hurts. 

What is she rambling about this time?

I am trying to start a blog about the joys of time and waiting, like I talked about in my last post. 

About 4 weeks ago, I trimmed my top layer and my bangs. And this is a picture of the day I cut my hair. 

Sad to report, that was the only day where it looked GREAT. After that, since then, not. so. hot. 

Ok, so fast forward 4 weeks. I have been patiently wearing it half up or curly a lot or in a short ponytail with a bump and it has been really, as my friend Quinn puts it, my hair is always, all of the time, "A HOT MESS." And then, I woke up today and decided to wash it, dry it straight and see what was under the hot mess. And behold...it wasn't as bad as I thought. It actually looks pretty darn good. It's getting longer...and looks longer. Even though it feels like it's SO much shorter. I think I cut a lot off when I was hacking away at it in Chicago and didn't realize what I may have done. My mini shag is back. I'm not sure this is where I wanted to go from here, but it does help with the process of growth. There is still a lot to play with in front. Long choppy layers and what not, but a lot more health and a free ounce of patience that I didn't ask for. That's what happens along the way. You wait and wait and wait and pout and scream and dream and then one day...poof along comes a little joy.

In a time of my life where so much is corresponding to my hair...I am overcome by the parable of a little joy today.

As I turned on the news this morning to watch the devastation we call life, jk, I was overcome with sadness. This continued into my day as I ran out of time waxing my legs and only could do one(right, picture that insanity). Again, I was sad when I climbed into my truck to find the inside windshield wet with dew. And lastly, a friend's mom died today. :( boo

There has been a lot of sadness in my life the last 6 weeks. Starting with H's death and continuing through with crappy morning. There have been days lately where I felt like the gloom cloud was going to swallow me whole. 

Then, 

along comes a little joy. 

My little joy or joys have been this list lately.

* fresh strawberries and stir fry

* Tess: the amazing bubble of joy I work next to at the spa.

* waxing my armpits (sorry if that's tmi, but it is amazing if you haven't tried it, and you hate shaving everyday, you will LOVE it, I promise!!!)

* on my ownness

* Buck grabbing my bootay, a lot

* a cupcake 

* living in it, instead of pulling out. 

* GOD and I's conversations.

* Dreaming again 

This list may not seem long or exhaustive to you, but it's complete enough for me. And it's when you are just about to say, you know what...life sucks and this isn't worth it and why do I even try and what good is this doing and the    why's keep getting bigger and will it ever end and on and on and on...

along comes a little joy

to make you believe again. to help you take a hold of what you want again. and it grabs at your heart strings and plays a concerto. It shakes your insides like liquid smoothie. 

And for one second you breathe a little easier.

perhaps even for a minute.

an hour? 

With this joy, lately, it has brought me relief. With my hair and with my heart.

A couple of pics after an 8 hour work day.

patience with my hair...

Oh, and it's the same right now with my hair. I want to cut it. But thank goodness, patience comes in many forms. Clean up my layers, wear it pulled back a lot. Often. Almost every day. And sometimes this is what it takes. Patience in learning...growing. Teaching yourself things to help you get through. To the next part. Because lately, my patience is running super thin. Do I bleach it? Do I color it? What would keep it the healthiest for the grow out process...so many things coming into play now a days. And not just with my hair.
Lately, in my life this has taken on a waiting period. But there is movement even in the waiting. There is growth that happens when we pull it back and take care of our hair, our lives. In the patience stage where it takes everything not to cut. it. all. off.
Yesterday I was cleaning my house. The entire house. And I came upon not one, but two pair of clippers. Like mens barber shop clippers. And I thought to myself not once, but twice(I think you see the image now)
"you could totally shave it all off Kristen."
And the second time I even picked up the clipper and really considered it. It would be like beginning again. A totally fresh palette. A new beginning spot. The idea is great, but there are things at play here that wouldn't really help with this conceptual dream of mine.
#1). I have gray hair. So, even if I shaved it off to the point of like a "1" or a "2" which is SUPER short...the gray would still be there. And this is not a clean palette.
#2). A means to an end. I think not. THIS IDEA IS NOTHING WHAT I WANT.

So, I quickly learned a lesson in that strange avant garde moment...keep my eyes on the prize. The goal is long hair. The avenue...I don't know yet really how.
Back to my house cleaning...
I was reminded on a lesson I learned this summer. Or should I say relearned or put into practice. Surround yourself with things that will remind you of your wants, your goals.
I want long hair. Tomorrow I am going to make a poster of girls with long hair like I want.
I am also going to decorate my art room and make it a place I want to hang out. If this means spending a little cash, so be it.
Growing takes time...LOL
yes it does.